You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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