i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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