My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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