girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you didnt know i had herpes?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
