Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
