Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
