my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Drunk is not a location!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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