What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize