You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
