I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
