i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
