I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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