That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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