You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
