dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
