Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
