So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
