This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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