My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
