I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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