She is in my trunk
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize