I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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