Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
