Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
you made out with another girl for some wings
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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