Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
As shirtless as possible
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
