dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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