Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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