We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Randomize
