i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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