I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
