I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize