how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
