I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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