What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
