Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
