So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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