I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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