can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
