I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
