i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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