My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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