Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
