im six kinds of drunk right now
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
His nipple licking is glorious
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