just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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