Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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