I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
