my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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