That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
