shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
