i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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