the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
