When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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