I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
