I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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