just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
