i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
