Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
