Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize