When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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