Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
