My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
